We've been talking about bearing one another's burdens & being bonded together in peace through the power of the Holy Spirit so I wanted to talk about forgiveness in our relationships.  

And more specifically when we ask for someone's forgiveness or we say we are sorry to someone

We are not setting up a metric we gonna judge ourselves by or judge one another by.  We just want to see the truth about this so we can experience freedom in this area of our lives.  

So many times we hear what the life of God looks like and we end up judging ourselves & judging one another by whether we see that working perfectly in our lives.  That's not the gospel; that's not how it works.  We aren't justified by our ability to get the life of God to manifest in our lives.  

I think we've kinda lost sight of why we ask for forgiveness when someone is hurt by us.  

Self justification has tried to creep in to cause us to be more concerned about not wanting to make an admission of guilt than we are with the hurt the other person is feeling.  Listen we cant be justified by proving we didnt do anything wrong.  We aren't justified by being right in a situation.  It doesn't add one cubit of stature to us to be right in a situation. 

Self justification wants us to think the point of apologizing or asking for forgiveness is about who is right & who is wrong.  It wants us to be focused on who is right & who is wrong.  

It wants us to look at saying we are sorry as being about winning a competition of who is right and who is wrong and the one who says they are sorry or asks for forgiveness has lost and is the one waiving the white flag and crying uncle.  And we dont want to be the one who waives the white flag or the one who cries uncle.  

Self justification wants to attach a feeling of shame in asking for forgiveness as if it is some indication that we are not as we ought to be and we have lost something needed to be justified.  We aren't validated or invalidated in a situation based on whether we are right or wrong.  It's like we think it can add or take away from our life and the report of our life if we are right or wrong.  We aren't clothed based on whether we are right or wrong in a situation. 

Forgiveness & saying I'm sorry has nothing to do with self justification.  It's not about a person being justified as being the one who is correct.

In the day we look at it from that foundation listen it will never bring forth peace and reconciliation in our relationships.  It will actually bring forth more fighting; more bitterness; more anger; more distance; more separation; more fault finding; More condemning amongst people; more separation in relationships.  That's what it will bring forth.

When self justification can be removed from the picture so we no longer think of saying we're sorry from the foundation of it establishing who was right & who was wrong in a situation.  It will bring great liberty and healing in our relationships.  

Explain what asking for forgiveness is all about.

End goal of saying we're sorry or asking for forgiveness is for a person not to stumble over the truth concerning the thoughts & intents of our hearts towards them.  

Asking for forgiveness is about helping the person who has been hurt see that the thoughts & intents of your heart towards them is love and not to do them harm.  

It's about expressing your heart towards them.  It's about expressing the thoughts and intents of your heart so they can see it for what it actually is instead of seeing it through their hurt and pain.  It's about expressing the love that is actually in your heart for them so they do not stumble over the truth.  It's about expressing that your heart was never to hurt them or cause them pain.  It's about helping them to see the intent of your heart was not to be against them or to cause them hurt and pain.  

Explain what happens when we feel hurt by someone

You see what happens when we feel hurt by someone or we feel that someone has done us wrong is that we are being tempted to stumble at the truth about ourselves and those we feel hurt by.

The word offense means to stumble at the truth.  

When a person is offended or hurt by something that involves us they are being tempted to stumble at the truth.  

They are being tempted to stumble at the truth about themselves and the truth about whoever they feel hurt by.

So when we tell someone we are sorry or when we ask someone for forgiveness we are coming alongside them to be a help to them in their time of need.  We are coming alongside them to help them to be able to see the truth in the midst of being tempted to stumble at the truth.  

We are helping them to see what is really in our hearts about them.  We are making it easier for them to see how we really feel about them.  We are helping them to see that our hearts are actually only filled with love and good thoughts towards them.  

This helps guard their heart from the lie that is coming against them.

It's like when I was in junior high and highschool playing street ball.  There would be times where you would get hit really hard on a play and it would hurt and you could start to feel yourself getting angry like "what was that".   But, if the person would say my bad you would know it was an accident and the anger and hurt feelings would leave. 

If someone throws a ball across the room and it hits me in the head but I know it was an accident my heart will be free from the effects of the ball hitting me in the head.  I won't have a negative view of the person who threw the ball.  But, if i think the person intended to hit me in the head and hurt me then my heart will be filled with anger and upsettedness towards them and my view of them will begin to change.

Whenever we are hurt or offended by something someone has said or done to us that hurt is trying to tell us something about ourselves & the person we feel hurt by.  It is trying to cause us to know ourselves & the other person according to the pain we feel.  

It fills our minds with all kinds of thoughts about ourselves and the person we are hurt by.  Our minds start racing a million miles a minute.  We try to make sense of what happened.  We begin to reason about what does it mean about us that this happened; what does it mean about them that this happened.  What is it they see in me and about me that caused them to do this to me.

We start pondering it and reasoning about it.  We start making conclusions about ourselves and about the person we say has done us wrong.  

All those things act as an artist painting a picture in our hearts about who we are & who they are.  It's trying to marr the image we have of ourselves & the image we have of them in our hearts.  It's trying to create a caricature of us and them in our hearts where we can no longer see them or ourselves for who we really are. 

Example of me when sat out of recess 

My mind immediately began to make conclusions about who I was based on what the teacher said.  You see the image I had in my heart of myself was being marred.  The conclusions I came to about myself based on what that teacher said painted a picture in my heart about my life and who I was that caused me to stumble at the truth and it put me in bondage for many years. 

Part about people who suffer abuse tend to blame themselves: 

You know in situations where abuse has occurred the person on the receiving end of the abuse will draw conclusions about themselves based on the abuse.  They think things like it must be me.  It must be something they saw in me.  It must be that there is something wrong about me.

We tend to filter the things people say and do to us through ourselves.  As if it is somehow a reflection on us that they did this thing, and that will put you in bondage.  Jesus didn't filter what the people did to him through himself.  He knew it was not a reflection on him.  He knew the only thing that was a reflection of him was the word the Father spoke about him.  

Asking forgiveness is designed to communicate something to the other person that can help them see the thought and intent in our heart accurately.  See they're being tempted to judge the thoughts and intents of our hearts by how they feel and now the image they have of us in their hearts is under assault and trying to be marred in their heart.   They're being tempted to see it as if we are against them as if we wanted to hurt them as if we dont love them as if we dont care about their lives as if we're not considering them. 

So when you come and ask for forgiveness you know what your doing is you are helping them to see the thought and intent of your heart was never to harm them; it was never to bring them pain; it was never to be against them; it was only ever to be for them; it was only to love their life; it was only ever to try and uphold them; it was only love them; be with them; care for them.  

You see now they're heart can see that easier in the midst of the temptation.  It's like coming with let there be light in the middle of their hurt because if they can see your heart was only pure towards them, guess what can happen?  the offense and the lies leave.  And now your image in their heart isnt marred and the image they have of themselves isnt marred and they're not knowing you in the image of a caricature but they're knowing you for your heart and for who you really are. 

Now from this foundation it becomes easy to tell people you're sorry because you're not even thinking about who is right or wrong.  You dont care.  All you care about is let this person who feels hurt by me know my heart is actually only ever full of love for them and be good to them.  That's all that matters.